BE STILL

Lately my world just crumbles down on me. Failures after failures. Pain after pains literally and figuratively. My health has failed me again. Tests after tests, medications after medications that I had to undertake just to at least lessen the streak of pains. But it was not enough coz everyday I became anxious and I am hating the thought of being sick.

I dont know and I'm uncertain of why I felt anxious everyday and how depression sets in. Imagine this free-spirited woman afraid of going out to malls, watching movie alone, chillin' in a cafe or coffee shop, dining in my favorite place. I just wanted to stay at home and in my room. I cant go to work without sleeping every minute coz I am always tired. Alas! I had to ask help from my family to get me out of this place coz i can no longer breathe. I am helpless for the first time. I am not the type of person who ask for help but this time, I don't even trust myself and even minute decisions anymore. I need to go far to see me, coz I dont know myself anymore. I am a stranger in my own damn world.

Darkness has engulfed my whole being. I can no longer see even the slightest iota of hope of which I bear for the last 37 years of my existence. It's like I dont own my life anymore, I can't hold the things I love to do, it is slipping away from me. And yes, I am afraid of not being the same person anymore. 

And there I had to get away from the world I used to lived in for fifteen years. Away from the world I created in my mind where I can bloom and be at peace. But now, I don't fit in anymore. All the while I was the person who lives in my comfort zone, not realizing that I don't belong maybe not ever. 

I realized that I had too many cliche relationships and that I have become selfish with work and not enough time to be with the people who loves me, and that's my family. Now, seeing myself afar from my comfort zone has made me see that there is another world for me aside from being here. A place where you can't be stressed or depressed. In a place where you are surrounded with the undying love of family. For the many adventures I had, I left a big portion of it outside my home. And now it is time for me to be with them, enough of cliche relationships and stuff. I just wanted to be HOME again.

This journey of mine triggered so many feelings of remorse and rejections, of physical and mental anguish that had been kept lock for years but I had no chance of letting it go because unknowingly I kept it deep and away from everyone including me. It is indeed a truism that STILL WATER RUNS DEEP, and there is no way out but for me to again feel what had been locked to slowly pour down and eventually flow away where I can't see it. I have come to terms that my health is far more important than any riches in the universe. But all I can do is to accept that I can't go back to the way things are, but Be Still.

I am reminded of a quote I came across over the internet which says:

Failures plants the seed for great successes to come.