Drifting thoughts of a beloved!

What am I that you should love me and hold me as your dearest love of all… the first time I heard this song made a tingling sensation inside my tummy, a mixed emotion crashing down on me and eventually left me teary-eyed. I could not contain the lines that strucked me, seldom will I shed a tear when hearing music but hearing the lyrics made me wonder again and again, am I worthy of my lovers love? Don’t get me wrong, I have been in love and will still continue to love, but I asked myself did I love my lover as he has loved me more than I could ever wonder? I kept reminding myself that in loving it is not important who gives less and who gives more. But is the love I gave more than enough to compensate my constant lovers’ love for me, a cast of doubts crashed into my heart. Then question sprung, am I really worthy of his love.

They say that when a person cries and the first drop goes in the left eye, it meant that the person is sad, but when its on the other side, the person is happy… and yes, this is truly a confession to make, duh… when I hear this song, the first drop always goes to the left side (not that I can control my tears from falling to this direction). Does this mean that I am sad because I don’t truly love him in return? Or because of shame because sometimes I fly often away… (My thoughts keep on drifting to the times that I become unfaithful to the covenant that my lover and I made)

Shame… yes! I am ashamed because no matter what I do he always give his love without asking something in return. I am ashamed because I cannot and will not be able to reciprocate his love. I was again struck when I read the homily of a priest I used to know while having my review where he talks about respect and obedience to my lovers’ will, i.e. doing the right things without me hurting myself and other people. Obedience without fear and letting go of the things that is not for us, surrendering when the pain is too much to bear and faithfulness to my lover, that no matter what happens he is there for me and will embrace all of me without hesitation. This is another shameful situation, because I know I have disobeyed my lovers will a countless time.

But I relentlessly talked with my lover despite my shortcomings and one of the best ways to really hear my lovers’ loving presence is my self-confessed prayer. It is there at that particular moment that I truly burst my heart out without fear of misjudgment and ridicule. It is in praying that I have time to talk with him, to be thankful of the gifts I have but at the same time ask myself what have I done to deserve his love even at times I become unfaithful to him and when I deviated away from his plan (which always happens). Fr. Jboy once shared to us (reviewers), during a mass held at UP that praying should not be understood as a reward and punishment mechanism, that is, one pray because she wanted to ask him for a favor, and I for one commit the same mistake over and over. Pardon me for defending my actuations, but I would always consider my lover as my emotional buffer as I am a very secretive person when it comes to my personal life. No one could better understand me without judgment but the lover of my soul. And pardon me again, because I can’t change the way I talk with him no matter what.

Succumbing to pain, yes I have had pains that I never shared to anyone, how I died of pain of losing something that I dearly loved, for making a truce with my lover that caused too much pain in the end and thereafter change the course of my path. I was there already but I opted to take another path away from the person I truly love, the man who would not break my heart. And as I begin to forget about him, another one came and come back and then again, I think this was never meant to be. Happiness could only be had if and only in loving it is coupled with commitment that is to really be with the person no matter what the cost is. “Deny oneself pick up ones cross and follow Jesus” does not literally mean go with him, but it’s doing what he loves us to do. I began to wonder why can’t we be with the ones we love especially when all seems to be perfect. Why can’t the love of our lives deny oneself pick up his cross and be with the one they love? There are really things in this world that is beyond our grasp and that includes love…

There are so many instances in my life while having chat with my lover that left me teary-eyed. As I intently listen to my lover and what message he wants to get across, my mind wanders around the words spoken, and could see scenes in my daily life that I had omitted, committed and/or most of the times abstained from doing so. I have wondered why in certain point in my life why I asked myself why God would gave me so much or why I could not have some things that I believe should be mine. But despite of it all, his presence embraced me to understand that my ways isn’t really his ways. So, I will end my thoughts and let this pain of mine be drifted away by his unfathomable love as I surrender all that I am to the one who really loves me the most--- may this song be a constant inspiration to be thankful for the gift of life….. Thank You LOVER OF MY SOUL for your constant reminder.





MY HEART’S THANKSGIVING

*REFRAIN:
As I sing my heart’s thanksgiving
And my eyes look heavenward
How the stars you flung like jewels
Bid your welcome, shine your light
As I marvel at your moonrise
I’m in awe, yet I ask,
What am I that you should love me,
And hold me as your dearest love of all?

You crown me with honor and glory
And you set all things under my feet
You have made me a li’l less than angels
Even if I fly often away (*)

In my anxious and brow-beaten moments,
You comfort me, fill me with peace
When my foes threaten, dare and surround me,
You’re my strength; you’re my light and my shield (*)

How exalted your name is, O Yahweh,
And how lofty the work of your hands
Yet how closely, how dearly you draw me
To your love, your divine majesty (*)