MOON

I WROTE A NOTE FOR YOU!

My dear twin sistah,

So many thoughts are babbling out of my mind but one thing that I am absolutely certain is that I am so proud and grateful that you are my sister, my best friend and twin for all time. There are lots of unspoken thoughts but whenever we hang out together, may it be over a cup of coffee, plates of salads, hot sikwate, spaghetti, paksiw and humba we always find time to talk about things that matter not only to your family but to your own self. In fact, I am a witness to your personal, social (school-grocery-home routines), and family affairs and I am glad I was there during those moments may it be low or high but I know it didn’t matter because you always soar high even beyond your limits.

Many are your journeys and have come a long way to step into another phase that would not only change the way you see things but will definitely nurture your being. Wherever you may be rest assured that you have a home to come home to, right here in my heart because that is where you should be. I won’t bid goodbye but rather I will send you a song as you travel and find the things that you valued the most! I love you always and forever ate Raydine. KUDOS to your new life!

Love and Prayer,

Baby Piai

Goodbye is not forever

Is this what I get from being so indifferent?
Or is this the outcome of what I did?;
Why do I feel this way to you?
You’re only just a mere boy to me.

But why do I feel terrible again?
I don’t have any idea;
Why do I care for you suddenly?
Is it because you’re leaving?
Cant you not stay with me?

Though I find you as a laughing stuff
But you brought joy to this wanderer
You have brainwashed me with the way you smile

But I guess, its bye for now
I know we will meet again;
Just make sure that you’ll come back
Because the thought of you keep haunting me


written by: rjack2000
all rights reserved 2000
any copying without mentioning the author is PENALIZED BY LAW

SSSShhhhhh! SILENCE…

It’s been a little while since I really kept silent. This has nothing to do with my very vocal nature but this has something to do with the field I am exposed with since time immemorial. I am equipped with potential or shall I say gift to really express what is or are in my head and to reason out for intellectual masturbation.

Yes, with the kind of life I have, it is really hard not to speak at all. However, I don’t speak of verbal silence, what I am referring at is the kind of silence that make the “being” in me stood still for a second or two. The kind of silence that listens and surrender amidst life’s doubt and uncertainty. A silence that takes a lifetime to practice and thus, awaken the spiritual being of me.
Today, as I turned thirty, I did the right thing of KEEPING SILENT, where no electronic gadgets that bothers me, without people who blabbing with their life and not hearing mine, letting people believe that I am alright when in truth and in fact I am not, smiling at people even if am not happy inside.

Out here in the world where I can hear the humming of the birds, seeing bees sucking nectars out of the many flowers in garden, and rainwater dripping on the leaves, came a SILENT RETREAT!

Retreat is negative word which depicts backing down from something. However, a retreat gave serenity and calmness to a hungry heart. For a day or two, I talked to my master and the lover of my soul, but most of the time I listen. Treating myself from every move I made, may it be right or wrong ones. Checking my relationship with the only man who loves me despite and inspite of all my shortcomings, a man who I am really sure will not abandon me in the middle of nowhere, but a man who will carry the cross for me.
Indeed, a celebration of my thirtieth year of blissful but challenging life, by Keeping SILENT…

N.B.
Thanks to the angelic voices and prayers of the monks it did clear out some bugging things in my head. And to my fellow retreatants letting me understand where I am standing at. To family and friends who made my retreat possible.

091110

MY PANDORA’S BOX

All I thought is that one of the hardest tests of my life is failing the Taxation subject in my law school, a failure that drowned my heart, that my dream of becoming a lawyer is far from the truth and total darkness awaits me. All the while I was totally wrong, it pained me so much just when I decided to turn my guard off is also the time that when I left my heart so vulnerable to just anything and maybe anyone. It is like dealing with chest pains everyday and every hour. Each memory was not significant anymore because the pain blurred it away from my very own senses.

Yes!, the pain I am going trough right now made me forget of how it feels to love and to be loved. I have figuratively opened the door as if it were a “Pandora’s box” where I cannot control who and what goes in and out. By opening my life and extending so far as the heavens could reach gave me so much joy but as I soar high, it is perpendicular to my drop zone, where it does not provide me a safe landing. I was completely dropped dead facing the floor rampaged with dirt and scarred. Indeed, it was a dead drop zone. And I am still healing in my own way of dealing this unfathomable pain. My physical wound did great of hiding the signs of pain but inside me is still devastated and lost. No amount of words could exactly define what I am feeling right at the very moment. I am forgetting special moments to forgive myself from my own or shall I say self-made world. I am in the stage of blaming “me”, for allowing myself to really open so much and now “I am shutting my Pandora’s box “because I am forgetting me.

Drifting thoughts of a beloved!

What am I that you should love me and hold me as your dearest love of all… the first time I heard this song made a tingling sensation inside my tummy, a mixed emotion crashing down on me and eventually left me teary-eyed. I could not contain the lines that strucked me, seldom will I shed a tear when hearing music but hearing the lyrics made me wonder again and again, am I worthy of my lovers love? Don’t get me wrong, I have been in love and will still continue to love, but I asked myself did I love my lover as he has loved me more than I could ever wonder? I kept reminding myself that in loving it is not important who gives less and who gives more. But is the love I gave more than enough to compensate my constant lovers’ love for me, a cast of doubts crashed into my heart. Then question sprung, am I really worthy of his love.

They say that when a person cries and the first drop goes in the left eye, it meant that the person is sad, but when its on the other side, the person is happy… and yes, this is truly a confession to make, duh… when I hear this song, the first drop always goes to the left side (not that I can control my tears from falling to this direction). Does this mean that I am sad because I don’t truly love him in return? Or because of shame because sometimes I fly often away… (My thoughts keep on drifting to the times that I become unfaithful to the covenant that my lover and I made)

Shame… yes! I am ashamed because no matter what I do he always give his love without asking something in return. I am ashamed because I cannot and will not be able to reciprocate his love. I was again struck when I read the homily of a priest I used to know while having my review where he talks about respect and obedience to my lovers’ will, i.e. doing the right things without me hurting myself and other people. Obedience without fear and letting go of the things that is not for us, surrendering when the pain is too much to bear and faithfulness to my lover, that no matter what happens he is there for me and will embrace all of me without hesitation. This is another shameful situation, because I know I have disobeyed my lovers will a countless time.

But I relentlessly talked with my lover despite my shortcomings and one of the best ways to really hear my lovers’ loving presence is my self-confessed prayer. It is there at that particular moment that I truly burst my heart out without fear of misjudgment and ridicule. It is in praying that I have time to talk with him, to be thankful of the gifts I have but at the same time ask myself what have I done to deserve his love even at times I become unfaithful to him and when I deviated away from his plan (which always happens). Fr. Jboy once shared to us (reviewers), during a mass held at UP that praying should not be understood as a reward and punishment mechanism, that is, one pray because she wanted to ask him for a favor, and I for one commit the same mistake over and over. Pardon me for defending my actuations, but I would always consider my lover as my emotional buffer as I am a very secretive person when it comes to my personal life. No one could better understand me without judgment but the lover of my soul. And pardon me again, because I can’t change the way I talk with him no matter what.

Succumbing to pain, yes I have had pains that I never shared to anyone, how I died of pain of losing something that I dearly loved, for making a truce with my lover that caused too much pain in the end and thereafter change the course of my path. I was there already but I opted to take another path away from the person I truly love, the man who would not break my heart. And as I begin to forget about him, another one came and come back and then again, I think this was never meant to be. Happiness could only be had if and only in loving it is coupled with commitment that is to really be with the person no matter what the cost is. “Deny oneself pick up ones cross and follow Jesus” does not literally mean go with him, but it’s doing what he loves us to do. I began to wonder why can’t we be with the ones we love especially when all seems to be perfect. Why can’t the love of our lives deny oneself pick up his cross and be with the one they love? There are really things in this world that is beyond our grasp and that includes love…

There are so many instances in my life while having chat with my lover that left me teary-eyed. As I intently listen to my lover and what message he wants to get across, my mind wanders around the words spoken, and could see scenes in my daily life that I had omitted, committed and/or most of the times abstained from doing so. I have wondered why in certain point in my life why I asked myself why God would gave me so much or why I could not have some things that I believe should be mine. But despite of it all, his presence embraced me to understand that my ways isn’t really his ways. So, I will end my thoughts and let this pain of mine be drifted away by his unfathomable love as I surrender all that I am to the one who really loves me the most--- may this song be a constant inspiration to be thankful for the gift of life….. Thank You LOVER OF MY SOUL for your constant reminder.





MY HEART’S THANKSGIVING

*REFRAIN:
As I sing my heart’s thanksgiving
And my eyes look heavenward
How the stars you flung like jewels
Bid your welcome, shine your light
As I marvel at your moonrise
I’m in awe, yet I ask,
What am I that you should love me,
And hold me as your dearest love of all?

You crown me with honor and glory
And you set all things under my feet
You have made me a li’l less than angels
Even if I fly often away (*)

In my anxious and brow-beaten moments,
You comfort me, fill me with peace
When my foes threaten, dare and surround me,
You’re my strength; you’re my light and my shield (*)

How exalted your name is, O Yahweh,
And how lofty the work of your hands
Yet how closely, how dearly you draw me
To your love, your divine majesty (*)

i fly away

They say that when a person cries and the first drop goes in the left eye, it meant that the person is sad, but when its on the other side, the person is happy… and yes, this is truly a confession to make, duh… when I hear this song, the first drop always goes to the left side (not that I can control my tears from falling to this direction). Does this mean that I am sad because I don’t truly love him in return? Or because of shame because sometimes I fly often away… (My thoughts keep on drifting to the times that I become unfaithful to the covenant that my lover and I made)